As I approach this training I am thinking about our goals in
training foster parents. It is a different situation than training staff. These
parents are interacting with these children in their homes. Many of them have
successfully raised their own children. They have friends and family around
them who are free with advice on how to parent (“Why are you letting her get
away with that behavior?!?!”). There are limits to how much the parent may be
willing to change.
I have come to believe that our fundamental goal is to help the parent keep the child. There
are many styles of parenting that are comp[lately fine. I do not really care if
the parent grounds the child when he acts up or if she doesn't If the parent
sees the good in the child, cares about him or her, enjoys being with him or
her- how can we help that parent not give up? What our children need most of
all is to stay somewhere. It can be an imperfect somewhere- as long as it is
not abusive, safe, and caring- how can we support the parent in perseverance? What role does training play in this?
I would suggest that we have two fundamental goals in
training. One is to redefine the parent’s understanding of why the child acts
the way he does. We would like to use trauma theory to help the parent to use
trauma theory to understand the adaptive nature of the child’s actions. Three important
concept in achieving this are: biological changes from trauma, lack of learned
skills, and using behaviors to help you feel better in the moment (since we all
do this). In other words, move away from words like “disobedient” and “disrespectful”
and towards words like “frightened” or “confused”. We hope that the foster parent can see
behaviors as less about them.
Here’s an example. Marci is a wonderful foster parent in
many ways. Yet she is really annoyed by her foster son Rob’s constant
negativity. When Marci tells Rob that there is spaghetti for dinner, something she has made because she knows he loves it, she responds by saying “oh no I hate spaghetti!” Marci answers him by saying
it is very good spaghetti and she is a good cook. In telling this story, she
indignantly reports that he has eaten
her spaghetti before, that others seem to like it, that she follows a good
recipe, etc. She is defensive and has taken Rob’s comments personally. When
asked if Rob would have responded the same way if she had announced chicken or
steak, she said “of course. He is always that way.” So it’s not about the
spaghetti. It’s about Rob protecting himself against the disappointment that
has been such a feature of his life. When she is out of the situation, Marci
understands this. And yet, shortly afterwards she tells Rob that the are going
to the park tomorrow. He says that he has always hated that park and doesn't want to go there. Immediately Marci begin defend herself and her choice of
park. We suggested that we were going to write on her hand in indelible ink: IT’S
NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!!
The foster parent doesn't have to completely buy this. But
any progress they can make along this continuum will be powerful in preserving
the placement.
The other crucial continuum concerns what it will take for
the youth to heal. Through trauma theory, we hope to lead the foster parent to
understand that children act better when they feel better. When their child
feels safe, connected, noticed and cared about she will be able to relax and
have more fun. When through every day acts of caring the child begins to
consider a new view of other people, the child will begin to trust, to come to
the parent with their worries and concerns, and to ask for help.
Again, we can’t expect the parent to re-learn everything society
has taught him about the value of punishment. But if through training wecan
accomplish any movement on this continuum, we help preserve the placement:
So, can we do this? Is our training effective in preserving
placements? If you are an RC Associate Trainer, come to my training on Feb. 2
and find out!
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